Last year, I wrote about two problems––Squirrels and Cockspur Handles.  You may be glad to know that I have solved one of these problems.

In the end, it didn’t require Elon Musk to fix the broken cockspur handle on my kitchen window.  Instead, it was a very amiable Italian builder; a tiny obsolete spare-part, barely larger than the head of a pin; and about one hour’s labour.  Sorted.

For the first time in about five years I can now open my kitchen window again.

Except there is a problem.

The same problem that I wrote about last year: squirrels.

If anything, the squirrels in my back garden have become even more rapacious than they were last year.  I seem to be not alone with this nuisance; it has been widely reported in the media that squirrels have turned rogue and are fast becoming a public-enemy-number-one-pest.

But, momentarily, I had put squirrels out of mind.  My kitchen window was fixed.  I was feeling carefree.  Nothing else in the world mattered, now that I could enjoy the luxury of flinging open wide my double glazing and enjoying the fresh air and the unseasonable early-June sunshine.

My peaceful idyll was disturbed by an unholy crash––several crashes––and the sound of breaking crockery.  I rushed to the kitchen, just in time to see the retreating grey shadow of an uninvited squirrel beating a hasty retreat back through the same open window––my lovely new open window––that it had so opportunely jumped through. 

I have never been known to operate an open-house to the local community, and I have no intention of starting it with the resident squirrel population.

So, I am fighting back.  I have laid down double-sided sticky tape on top of the gate posts, which they favour as their most popular resting stations; I have sprayed Tabasco sauce on my fences and pebbledash––and before I have the animal protectionists up in arms, this is something recommended on the RSPB website––and I have invested in a pea-shooter.

Purely for self-defence.

© Simon Turner-Tree

Simon Turner-Tree is back on squirrel patrol.