Boris Johnson’s latest edict in the battle against the spread of coronavirus is the ‘rule of six’.  No doubt some people will find the new ruling ‘confusing’, but it is really pretty straightforward.  Boiled down, it basically says that if Sneezy, Bashful, Sleepy, Happy, Grumpy and Dopey all want to ‘Heigh-Ho’ off down the pub together, that is absolutely fine, but if Doc wants to join them that is going to cost him a £100 spot fine.

There seems to have been some ‘confusion’ over whether the fines appertain to just one member of an offending group, or all members, but surely this must be obvious, too?  The fines have to be dished out to each person forming a group larger than six members, otherwise it is just an encouragement to form larger and larger groups: it is sending out the wrong message if a £100 fine split between a 100-strong group is just £1 each; whereas a £100 fine split between a 7-strong group is £14.29.

Personally, I would like to see the ‘rule of six’ brought in as a permanent law on the statute books.  Even outside the circumstances of a global pandemic, I would be quite happy for there to be no public gatherings of more than six people.  If possible, I would even suggest that the judgement be extended to a ‘rule of two’.

A ‘rule of two’ would still allow human procreation; would mean it was possible to have a nice friendly game of tennis; and it would mean that I might actually be able to hear the conversation I am having with the one person whom I choose to accompany me to the pub.

The ‘rule of two’, just imagine it: no more ménages à trois; no more string quartets; no more Famous Fives; no more Morris Dancers; no more Seven Brides for Seven Brothers; no more Tug of War teams; no more Baseball teams; no more ten Lords a-Leaping; no more Ocean’s Elevens, Twelves or Thirteens.

It could form the foundation for an entirely new post-Covid 19 civilisation. The quiet revolution.

© Simon Turner-Tree

No prizes for guessing that Simon Turner-Tree’s favourite dwarf is Grumpy.