A Surfeit of Kendal Mint Cake

I am someone who hates shopping.  I can’t stand shopping malls; don’t like the push and shove of sales; abhor the bland uniformity of endless supermarket rows.  The only form of shopping, which I can just about tolerate is online shopping.  And I like to think that I am quite good at it.  I can normally choose clothes remotely, which both fit and don’t look too monstrous; I buy books online; tech online.  With that kind of track record, there should be no trouble buying food online.  Should there?

Now as a bit of context for my story: I am soon to embark on a walk across England.  Not the long bit from north to south.  Not even the wide bit from Cornwall to Kent.  Actually the most skinny bit: following the course of Hadrian’s Wall, starting in Bowness-on-Solway on the west coast and ending up in Tynemouth on the east.  And so, by way of stocking up with some simple, day-to-day, energy-providing provisions for this trip, what better than that good, old-fashioned staple of every rambler since time immemorial, the Kendal Mint Cake.

Now, it is quite a long time since I have last eaten Kendal Mint Cake.  In my memory, they were quite small bars.  A couple of mouthfuls each; the kind of thing that could be easily stowed away in a coat pocket; a quick pint-sized sugar-rush.  With this in mind, I decided to order a batch online; sufficient stock to last the duration of my walk.

My parcel arrived today.  Before I even opened it, I knew there was a problem.  The parcel was heavy, and I mean heavy.  The kind of heavy that I don’t want to be weighed down by on a walking trip.  When I opened the package, it was not the small bars of Kendal Mint Cake that I had been anticipating; instead whacking great slabs of the stuff––in two varieties: plain and chocolate-coated––weighing in at a combined weight of several kilos.  I should have read the online description more closely.  A 170g bar sounds quite light in the abstract but, in reality, it is hefty.  A couple of bars would see me through for my entire trip.  So, what am I to do with the remainder?

© E. C. Glendenny

E. C. Glendenny is on a Kendal Mint Cake sugar-rush.

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